This poem read aloud by the author
Please remember
you are likely to wind up
in a toilet before you
are big enough to be born
If this is your goal
you will have succeeded
in not having a life at all
Acquire and wear make-up
prior to birth to look
like a different race
from your mother's husband
so that when you are born
you are guaranteed to be hated
by at least one person
Put cellophane tape on your eyelids
to look Chinese
unless you're Chinese of course
Stay in your mother's womb
eventually someone will force you out
kicking and screaming
often with sharp instruments
Try running into one
Start smoking just after birth
and request daily contact
with drugs and hazardous chemicals
though some call it eating
Since you are likely to be human at
birth
these substances may have already
given you flippers
which means
you'll be given sympathy
making it difficult to find
an early exit from life
About circumcision for boys
try jumping just as it's happening
assuring you of ambiguous genitalia
everybody out here hates
people who don't know their sex
You will be hated for this immediately
Speaking of food
don't eat much
food has become poisoned
with all sorts of bad stuff
if you insist
eat nothing but butter
and raw pork sausage or better
eat nothing but uncooked hot dogs
Don't drink the water
or the milk
instead concentrate
on convincing your mother
to give you martinis when you cry
Immunization can be a good
or bad thing
Ignorant parents will
eschew shots for you
Be sure to give them
intelligence tests
before you are born
Better still
be born in a Taliban family
Never go to school
instead read books
without pictures
or learning
any alphabet first
Education often guarantees survival
which means Sesame Street
is a big no-no
Stay naked
The older you get the more
fun you will have walking
into religious meetings
where you will discover a power
greater than yourself
Draw and post
pictures of a middle-eastern
prophet who shall remain
nameless
playing American football
and eating bacon
A significant number
of people will be unhappy
with you for even thinking
about it
Collect pets like
rattlesnakes
funnel web spiders
grizzly bears
and powered tree chippers
Fall in love
with cliffs and tall buildings
eventually you may find
one that will reject
your romantic advances
Remember that
green means go in China
and stop in the US
Have gay sex in broad daylight
on any corner
in St. Petersburg, Russia
or at Robert Mugabe's birthday party
though if you've followed the
rules to this point
you're not likely to have
achieved sexual maturity
If you live in a democracy
don't vote
if you live in a dictatorship
run for the highest office
if you live where
there is no government
suggest forming one
this will guarantee
some kind of hatred
that might provide an early exit
from life
if somehow
you've grown up
to be a productive
member of society
you have failed
Ropes guns pills and skydiving
were invented
for your particular problem
even then these things
can fail
Lastly, if everything has failed
to this point
to provide you an exit from life
and you are now
late middle-aged
divorced
living at home
and paying child-support
try caring for an elderly parent
This will likely kill you
before the parent dies
Failing even that
refuse Social Security
buy a tent and live
in or very near a forest
or a tall mountain
Pray for a dry year
and lightning
If you've completely failed
to heed the intent
of all these suggestions
you're wondering if there is a gODD
The answer is no
These rules have always been here
They've always been written for you
and
you
citizen of the universe
are a complete fuck-up
Copyright (c) 2012 by Barry G. Wick
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