Not Me

Not Me

I grew up as a homosexual

Locked in a town and life

Where no one can be.

I turned away love

At every opportunity

To protect my parents

From the toxic shame

I felt for just existing

It's an all too common story.

I am not special.

In fact, I am and was useless

In the eyes then and now

Of everyone I ever met.

I could not allow myself

To love anyone out of fear.

Later in life I would try

But failed at every turn.

I think of the boys and later, men,

Who found my heart worthy.

As soon as that, I'd find a way

To reject them.

A person who rejects love,

Deep, central love,

Is not worthy for any acceptance.

Nearer the end of life I see

Who I am.

I said "not me" to so many

With whom I could spend

These last year's.

I deserve these last year's

Exactly where I am

In a 14x80 prison cell

Crying at the end of every day.

Barry G. Wick