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Sunday, February 26, 2023

Empty Spaces

Empty Spaces

If I had to think about it
The first was love
The first two weeks in life
Alone in the hospital
Except for visits and nurses
Mother left me there 
So she could get stronger

The list of fillers
Started to grow
Visible and invisible
My canyons were wide
And empty

Then there was pleasing her
Starting at age four
Though maybe before
Practicing piano
Only to please her
Because it didn’t come from me
I hadn’t developed my ear
A few more years at seven or eight
And I’d have heard what
I needed to hear

Then came food
I stole food
Opening cans of food
When nobody was home
Or when others were in other rooms

Then there was sex
Oh yes sex
An early interest of photos
Just two
Of guys that excited me
Though in junior high
I became obsessed 
With one or two boys
Who weren’t interested in me
I tried to be interested in girls
It just never happened
I was too formal
There was nothing natural
In my personality
It was all forced

I married and tried
But I couldn’t be natural
I couldn’t be the real me
And after that
Came alcohol
Despite my mother’s warnings
About her father
And my father's drinking
My forays here and there
Into booze were joined
By marijuana

Then sex again
And now years later
I just want to be alone
I just want to be me
In my own world
And lonely
But I’m me

The empty space is still inside
Like a next door neighbor
Who borrows a tool
Never bringing it back
I'd need that tool
It's not there and I'd forget
What happened to it
So it's become a comfortable
I'm used to the hole
The empty I sense
But don't know what's
Suppose to be there
I'll never know
So I walk through this world
An unfinished building
With stay out signs

Barry G. Wick

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